


haunted by a painful desire for her

by titleoftheperaltiagosextape



Category: Call the Midwife
Genre: F/F, Other, here it is, i’m honoured that it’s these two bc i. adore them, my first gay fanfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:06:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26681107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/titleoftheperaltiagosextape/pseuds/titleoftheperaltiagosextape
Summary: Valerie Dyer was never one to dream of the big fancy church wedding and settling down to have kids. If you asked her on a particularly bad day, or after she’d had a few drinks, she would admit that she wasn’t sure she would ever find a love worth shouting from the rooftops about.Until she met Lucille Anderson.
Relationships: Lucille Anderson/Valerie Dyer, Trixie Franklin & Valerie Dyer
Comments: 4
Kudos: 21





	haunted by a painful desire for her

**Author's Note:**

> okay so. i started writing this last year in a notebook then lost inspiration. then i found it again last week and i’ve been binging the show so i’m obsessed w these two again. i was bored and depressed so i said fuck it and finished it in three days lmao hope you enjoy

She had always liked girls and boys, really. Never thought of it as a bad thing. But she learnt to keep quiet about it after George-from-down-the-road’s older brother had been caught kissing a man and ended up serving time for ‘moral indecency’. She later found out that there was technically no law for women, but she stayed careful all the same. When she turned 22, she found a discreet bar that she ended up frequenting a lot of evenings. It was where she met her first ‘lady friend’, for lack of a better term. They were together in secret for almost a year before she got a job offer at a hospital 100 miles away. This coincided with a very close call with a co-worker nearly finding out, so they ended things and Val went off to finish her training and became an army nurse.

By the time she ended up at Nonnatus House, she had been on a few dates with men, but nothing had ever come of it. She wasn’t _lonely_ , she liked being alone. She was never one to dream of the big fancy church wedding and settling down to have kids. If you asked her on a particularly bad day, or after she’d had a few drinks, she would admit that she wasn’t sure she would ever find a love worth shouting from the rooftops about.

Until she met Lucille. She hadn’t meant to fall for her best friend, she really hadn’t. It just sort of happened. And Lucille – sweet, kind, beautiful Lucille – was just so easy to fall in love with. With her kind smile that breaks through any bad mood, her soft nature that charms every one of the midwives and nuns, her firm side that hides behind that friendly veneer.

Which is why it was so painful to know that she was most definitely straight and currently on a date with a man.

~

Valerie was interrupted from her maudlin thoughts by a gentle knock on the door, followed by Trixie padding in. She smiled brightly at Val and crossed the room to sit on her own bed across from her.

“What’s got you all grumpy? You look like you’re trying to solve all the world’s problems!” Trixie spoke, while untying her shoes.

Valerie pulled herself up to sit on her bed, keeping her poker-face as intact as she could manage in her sad state. “Dunno, really. Just thinking,” she said.

“I’m exhausted! It feels as though all the pregnant women in Poplar decided to give birth these last two weeks!” Trixie bemoaned as she moved to her wardrobe to pick out some clothes to change into.

“Mhm, it has been rather busy recently,” Valerie absentmindedly responded. “But isn’t it always like this? If we really needed all hands on deck then Lucille probably wouldn’t have had time to go on her date.” That made Trixie pause. For a moment, Val worried that she’d said too much.

“That is a good point. But regardless, I’m glad she did go. The poor girl clearly doesn’t get out much; and there are a lot of men who are falling at her feet for that kind of opportunity.”

Valerie barely caught herself before she said or did something rash with _that_ comment.

“Besides, with our jobs, we don’t get much time off any day of the year. I say it’s a good way to start off a relationship. She’s showing him that she’ll make time for him, even when it’s busy.” It didn’t feel like Trixie really needed another person for this conversation anymore. Not with the way she barrelled on, talking about the benefits versus losses of making him a priority in the early stages of a relationship.

Oh, how she wished for once, someone would use female pronouns. A world in which she can freely talk about unrequited love and its pains without being judged for the recipient being a woman.

“Valerie? You’ve been rather quiet—” Trixie trailed off a few minutes later when she looked over and realised the reason her friend wasn’t responding was because she was fast asleep. The blonde sighed before getting up and carefully pulling the covers over Valerie.

“You’re lucky Phyllis is on call tonight.”

~

The evening repeated itself two weeks later, when Lucille went out on a second date after a lot of teasing from almost every inhabitant of Nonnatus House. And again. And another time. Until it had been four months and the nuns invited the man who was courting the love of her life to tea. Her heart fell out of her chest when she heard how excited Lucille really was about this man.

Then even Phyllis and Sister Julienne were joining in on the teasing and she just couldn’t be in the room anymore. She was sure she’d raised concern with her sudden exit, but Val couldn’t care less right now as she rushed to her room. She only hoped Trixie didn’t come upstairs until her chest had stopped shuddering with the sobs she was pushing down. Unfortunately, luck wasn’t on her side, since it hadn’t even been ten minutes before the door opened. God, she hoped it wasn’t Lucille.

“Valerie?” It was Trixie.

Val wiped her tears on her pillow but otherwise stayed still. Hopefully she’d assume Val was asleep. “Would you like a handkerchief? I doubt that pillow is a good enough material for wiping your face. I’d image it’s rather scratchy.” The voice was closer now, obviously Trixie had moved to stand in between their beds. It was softer too, if that were possible. Valerie felt a soft material being pressed into her hand. She mumbled a thanks into it.

“You’re welcome, sweetie.” She heard a rustling of fabric. “Come to think of it, I’m rather tired too now I’ve taken a moment. I’ll just pop down to let everyone know you’re alright then come to bed myself.” Val saw light spill into the room as Trixie opened the door. There was a pause.

“And if you feel like talking, just know I’m always here for you.” She left. That felt meaningful, somehow.

~

Trixie came back a while later, and they laid in their beds in silence, both aware the other was awake but saying nothing. After about an hour, Trixie spoke.

“I have a friend, called Patsy. She used to work here, and she slept in what’s now your bed.”

Val had no idea where she was going with this, but like the offer of support earlier, it felt meaningful. Like it was leading somewhere. So, she let Trixie talk.

“When we met, she had a friend called Delia who was a nurse at The London. They seemed incredibly close, and at one point they moved in together. That was before her accident.”

“What happened after the accident?” Val ventured. She might have an idea of why this had been brought up. She heard Trixie take a deep breath.

“I remember the day it happened. Patsy came here, looking dreadful. She looked so tired and…...just numb. I made her a cup of tea and she just stared into it for a while, before bursting into floods of tears. I comforted her and eventually she fell asleep. Delia didn’t recognise her. Head trauma. They’re off travelling now, but it was difficult for a while. They’re happy. I’m glad. Because I can still remember the sound of Patsy’s sobs now. It was unlike anything I’ve seen before. And I’ve seen some things in my years.” By this point, Trixie sounded like she was holding back tears.

Val knew why Trixie was telling her this. She knew. She knew about Val’s feelings. She tried to keep her breathing under control, but inside she was panicking about what the person she might consider a close friend thought of her. Was she telling her this as a precursor to telling her she hated her? That she thought ‘good riddance’ to those two? That she was disgusting? That she shouldn’t taint someone so pure as Lucille with these feelings?

She heard movement and realised that Trixie had gotten up and come to sit at the end of her bed. She wasn’t looking at her though. Val stared at the ceiling and hoped Trixie wasn’t about to tell her she was outing her to the nuns and getting her fired.

“I know what heartbreak looks like, Val.” She was sure Trixie’s voice had never been softer in all her years of midwifery. “I know love comes in many forms, and I’m not religious, or someone of the opinion that love is only appropriate for some people. I won’t judge you, I promise. Or tell anyone.”

That was the last straw for Val’s tear ducts, as it seemed she wasn’t done crying over this yet. She gasped for air with the effort of holding the tears back and sat up to give her lungs a break. Which meant Trixie seeing her, tear tracks, messy hair and all.

“Oh, Valerie.” Trixie jumped forward to hold her while she sobbed.

~

She managed to avoid Lucille until the end of the next week, by volunteering to be on call and being the first to pick up the phone as often as she could. But Phyllis eventually made her take the night off. Twenty minutes after she’d had tea, put her pyjamas on and been sent to bed with a hot water bottle, Lucille knocked on her door. She knew it was her. And she knew why. Obviously, she had noticed her odd exit from the dining room last week. Trixie had told everyone she had thought she was ill, and Trixie had gone to help her, which they all seemed to believe. Except Lucille. She noticed everything.

“Valerie, I know you’re in there. I won’t come in unless invited but stop being stubborn.” She sounded sad. “Please.” It was the ‘please’ that broke the last of Val’s resolve. She got up and opened the door herself, wanting to save her words for the more important ones that were to come. Lucille was standing there in her uniform and as prepared as Valerie thought she was to see her; the sight still took her breath away. She turned away to hide her reaction.

“I’m on call tonight, but I wanted to—well, spend my time with you,” Lucille seemed embarrassed to admit and Val had to hide her smile at that. “Besides, the chairs downstairs aren’t as comfortable this time of night.” Always so kind, giving her an out.

“Ah. Well, feel free to take Trixie’s bed. She’s out delivering Mrs Stevenson’s first, so she’ll be a while.” Val regained her composure. They both paused to sit down.

“So, I hear you delivered Mrs Hodgson’s fourth? How did that go?” Lucille smiled teasingly. Of course. Everyone at Nonnatus was aware of how Mr Hodgson gets when his wife is in labour.

“Oh, I cannot believe you didn’t hear already! Alright, so…” And that was how they spent the next hour. Val could almost forget how she ignored her best friend for a week when they were talking and laughing like nothing happened. Almost.

“Wow, I find that hard to believe that’s the Lucille I know! You were quite the rebel in your youth were you?” Val held a hand to her mouth to try and stop laughing. Lucille just looked indignant.

“Hey, I am most definitely still in my youth. If either one of us is old, I should think that’s you, miss almost-into-your-thirties!” Val immediately stopped laughing to look affronted. Lucille had a smug look on her face. “Besides, I still have an ‘attitude’, as my mother described. I just use it for better things now, like being firm with the expecting mothers. And speaking to my friends even when they don’t speak to me.” Oh, no. Val’s smile dropped, and her stomach dropped even further. She knew Lucille would ask at some point, but _not_ _yet_. She wasn’t ready yet.

Lucille continued. “Speaking of, am I to expect an explanation for this last week?

“I— look I wanted to—” Val stammered. She didn’t know what to say. She was terrified of what could happen if she admitted the real reason for the last week. But Lucille knew her well enough to know when she was lying. She stood up and turned to look out the window, trying to figure out what to say.

“I don’t want to pry if you don’t want to tell me, but I’m…” Lucille trailed off for a second. “I care about you, and I don’t like seeing you hurt.” There was another pause. “If you want me to leave, just tell me and I’ll go. I won’t ask any more.”

With tears in her eyes, Valerie turned to face Lucille. She moved forward but didn’t sit. She knew she had to tell her and face the consequences. She couldn’t hide it any longer and it pained her to lie to her best friend.

“No, I want to tell you. But it’s,” Val chose her words carefully. “a lot to understand. And I won’t judge you if you turn and run.” Lucille looked worried but nodded firmly.

“I’m in love with you.” There was a sharp intake of breath. Valerie didn’t dare look up, focusing instead on the carpet. She took a deep breath and forced herself to continue.

“I’ve always liked men and women. I think I like men more than women, though, which made it easier to hide. But I’m in love with you now and I—” The phone interrupted Valerie and she looked up quickly to see Lucille running out the door. She distantly heard the ringing stop and Lucille’s voice before the loud slam of the front door. The noise shocked her back into reality. Val started sobbing into her sleeve while sliding down the wall to crumple into a heap on the floor. Which is where Trixie found her four hours later, fast asleep with dried tear tracks and mascara stains on her cheeks.

~

Breakfast the next morning was an awkward affair. Luckily the nuns didn’t notice, too busy with planning an upcoming visit to the Mother House, but the midwives could easily tell something was off. Trixie was sat next to her and kept glancing at her while pretending she was fascinated by her food any time Valerie looked up. Val had been too upset to explain what had happened, but it was obvious to Trixie, since as soon as Lucille came downstairs, Val walked into the kitchen so fast that she tripped over her own feet. Lucille looked like she was holding back tears after that.

So they were all eating in silence, in ironic contrast to the nuns who were having excited conversations about their trip.

Valerie downed her food as quickly as she could to avoid confrontation. At least she had a good excuse, as she managed to be the first to the phone when it rang.

Her luck ran out a few hours later, when it turned out to be a quick labour and she got back to Nonnatus to find everyone out except the one person she had returned to avoiding.

Lucille was at the top of the stairs, staring at her in…shock? Or maybe disgust. Val looked away to hang her coat (or to avoid her eyes, her brain unhelpfully added) and went to the medical room to sterilise her instruments. Light footsteps followed her.

“Valerie.” Lucille’s voice was quiet. And sad. Oh, Valerie hated that just that one utterance of her name made her react. She tried to carry on unpacking her bag but found she couldn’t see past the tears in her eyes.

“Val. Please.” Her voice broke on the second word. Val clung onto the workbench in an effort to stop her traitorous body from wanting to hold Lucille.

“I love women the way I’m supposed to love men. And I hate myself for it.” Valerie couldn’t stop her gasp at her friend’s revelation. She whirled around to see Lucille, her eyes filled with tears and wringing her hands together. The tears in her own eyes spilled over but she was too shocked to bother to wipe them away.

“I pretend I don’t. I pretend I’m too busy with my training, and then my work to go on dates with men. But I have no interest in them. I see women in a way I’m not supposed to. I see _you_ in a way I’m not supposed to.” By the end of her speech, Lucille was struggling to talk through her tears and screw it, Val couldn’t hold herself back any longer, she moved to hold Lucille. And that was the last straw for her, she sobbed in Val’s arms, clinging onto her for dear life.

By the time Lucille calmed down, they had moved to sit on the floor in the corner of the medical room. Lucille was still holding onto Valerie, curled up under her arm. They were sat in silence, both lost in their thoughts. Valerie was thinking about what Lucille had said earlier and trying not to hope it meant something.

She reached for Lucille’s arms and gently detached them from her waist. She pulled them both up and started walking them towards the kitchen. Silently she made them both cups of tea (well sugared) and they went upstairs in a shared understanding of the need for privacy if anyone else came back. This couldn’t wait, and they didn’t need to be interrupted.

Val closed the door and leaned against it for a moment, gathering the strength. She turned and saw that Lucille had sat on Trixie’s bed. She made her way to sit on her own bed.

“I knew when I was thirteen. Well, I think I’ve always known, but it didn’t click until then. It’s not like it’s talked about. I decided that I thought the girl I sat next to in school was beautiful and I wanted to go with her like how girls went with boys.” Valerie wasn’t sure why she started talking about her feelings for women but figured it was a lighter way to start the conversation.

“I’ve only known since I met you.” It was a quiet admission but the meaning had never been louder.

“You—” Val cut herself off. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “What does this mean? Would you—well, it’s not like we could go on a date like anyone else but—”

“I don’t care.” This time Lucille was the one to cut her off. There was a tentative smile on her face. “I don’t care about dates, I just want you.”

(Secretly, Lucille thought that Valerie’s smile after that rivalled the moon itself. But that was something to be said later.)

Lucille moved to sit next to Valerie on her bed. She placed her hand on top of Val’s where it was resting on her knee.

“I would like to kiss you now, if that’s alright.” Val was nervous all over again. She didn’t know how Lucille would react to it. She didn’t need to worry though, because Lucille said nothing but looked at her lips, then nodded.

Val felt like she was floating when their lips met. The butterflies in her stomach felt like they were trying to escape and she was overwhelmed by the electric feeling where Lucille’s hand was touching her waist. Their first kiss was all she’d imagined. A bit awkward, of course, but perfect. Nothing could top this moment.

The phone rang and they both jumped apart.

“Oh, I’m on call! I need to go. I’m sorry.” Lucille spoke as she ran to the door, leaving with an apologetic look. Val stayed on the bed, smiling as she replayed their kiss in her head. She couldn’t care less about Lucille leaving because she knew that this time, it would be a happy reunion.

**Author's Note:**

> i’m so fuckin proud of this! i literally reread it every day bc i loved it sm and i Do Not do that


End file.
